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Monday, May 19th, 2008
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11:27 am
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i just graduated college and can't even feel happy about it because when i came home i realized my cats were still missing from the night before. and today they still haven't come home. i lost my last cat Mia, and now i lost BOTH of my cats. i think they got attacked because our neighbor said she heard and saw a coyote or some large animal the same night they went missing. blah. i want to cry so much but tears don't seem to come. just melancholy. on top of it all, i move to portland this weekend. i am both excited and sad. i may never live at home again if this works out well, which is very strange. i'm not used to not coming home for the summers or vacations. even when i had my apartments in boston i still came back to this house. i hope i find my cats. and that i'm not a waitress forever. and that my apartment works out for me without my mom being totally lonely here.
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| Saturday, February 9th, 2008
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3:16 pm
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i don't know what it is lately, but i'm more content just being on my own than being around other people. not in a weird i'm depressed and don't want to see anyone sort of way, but just happy to be finding my own way without the support of everyone else. i love the people in my life, and they've all helped shape who i am, but i keep feeling like i really need to make a mark for myself lately. anyhow, what it boils down to is that i simultaneously feel guilty for not seeing people. i DO want to see them, buti always end up tired or brushing plans off then i feel like an asshole. i shouldn't feel bad about just doing what i want to do though. i don't know. i hope no one takes it personally, i'm just in a strange new spot in my life right now, and i apologize for not doing things that i said i would do. when i originally make plans days ahead of time they sound great, but by the time it rolls around i'm not up for hanging out around tons of people anymore.
this probably didn't make any sense. whatever. i'm sorry. i love you all. i'm content with my life.
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2007
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7:47 pm - i'm just sitting here waiting for you to come home and turn me on
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this livejournal used to be my pathetic posting space for writing about the good times and frustrations i had with love, relationships, etc. so anyway, i figure i may as well return since i'm in that sort of a mood.
he always used to say that i felt like home. even after dating others, being around me again brought comfort and familiarity. risks are fun, but i've always cherished comfort and security, so i loved it when he said that.
i've moved on.
he's moved on.
so that's okay.
i want to feel like home to someone again though. it's been a long time...
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 4th, 2007
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5:46 am - making mistakes, and taking everything with a grain of salt
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i should not have important conversations when i'm drunk because then i don't remember what was said on behalf of either party.
i should continue to have conversations sober and when they include being mature and honest and apologetic because they make me feel better about my life and decisions.
however, i am still protective and cautious and very on the lookout for preventing situations in which i will appear an idiot again. i hate when i get all emotional and girly like that.
my job is awesome. so are certain co-workers. i like that i am so successful there.
i am very happy with my life lately, and sad that in less than a month it will all be changing back to boston. perhaps i should not continue with happy things because then i will be even more sad when they're gone in september.
but then i would not have as many happy things.
ah hell, live each day to the fullest.
love,
m
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| Sunday, July 1st, 2007
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7:51 pm
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i'm trying to keep my mind occupied from thinking about how crappy i feel, due to the large amounts of alcohol i consumed the past few nights during my 21st birthday celebrations. in doing so, i ended up back here reading through good ol' livejournal entries. it's really amusing to think back to past times and how much my life has changed in just a year or two. however, i was sitting here thinking "man, i've grown so much" and then i thought to myself "i should write a new entry about life now" and then i thought "hmmm, actually, it will probably just say really similar things to a few years ago (i.e. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, i wish that certain situations were different, etc.) so perhaps i have not grown at all?".
this is a very troubling thought.
in some ways i feel as though i am in a much better frame of mind than i was a few years ago. confidence has replaced most of my insecurities. i worry less about my appearance and more about developing my opinions and intellect. i have a job. i have fulfilled a dream of studying abroad. my family is healthy and they love me unconditionally, for which enough thanks cannot be given. my friends try their hardest to keep in touch regardless of the fact that they too are moving on in their own directions.
however,
it feels as though something is missing. i'm craving excitement; spontaneity. maybe i need to leave again. maybe i just need to break the routine. i enjoy each day, but i feel as though i'm not overly productive. i mean, summer is all about relaxing, and that's fine and dandy, but as humans we inherently strive to make some sort of mark on this world, and at this rate i feel like i'm a little tiny footstep in some beach sand that will get washed away when the tide rolls in. i want crazy things to happen to me so i have wild stories to regale future dates with. i want to meet new people.
so,
this bugs me, because it's exactly the type of thing i wrote about a few years ago. i suppose the difference lies within the fact that when faced with similar situations, i will be better prepared to deal with them. i (hope to) learn from past mistakes, and future ones. anyhow, ultimately, the best improvement is that my whole journal does not revolve around a guy, or a relationship, or a crush, or being heartbroken. these days it's just about me, which is exactly where i wanted to be.
guess i have grown up a little afterall. :)
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 15th, 2007
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11:27 am - stolen from j-blizzle
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This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. Title your bulletin "My Bar Tab is$........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
__________________________
Here are the fines...
Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend >-- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good --$25
TOTAL: $420.50
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| Monday, May 22nd, 2006
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3:28 am
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i want someone to know me again. to understand why i'm crazy and why i do the things i do and how to cheer me up or calm me down. that's all.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
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8:47 pm - interesting
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these are the results of a personality test i took:
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her, as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.
Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants. Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.
Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality.
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.
i don't know if anything anyone could ever say about me could be more dead on.
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| Thursday, April 20th, 2006
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4:38 pm
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the owner of the restaurant owns a few other restaurants in the area. he doesn't allow us to work more than 40 hours a week because he's a cheap bastard who doesn't want to pay overtime. that being said, i was talking to one of my managers last night about working in may and june. i asked him if i could work 40 hours at sunset, then pick up extra shifts at the other restaurants, because business doesn't really pick up in maine until later in june. he was like "now why would you want to work that much?" and i explained that i've always been used to working multiple jobs, and i'll be bored with all that free time here, since i'll be living alone. his response: "you should just find a boyfriend instead."
thanks, fuckface. as many times as guys have CAUSED problems rather than SOLVING mine, i think you're right and i should take your advice.
honestly. he can shove it.
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| Friday, April 14th, 2006
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1:29 am - "and when i see you, i really see you upside down"
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-just got out of work after pissing off gossipy co workers
-ryan and miranda visited, which made me real happy
-i met an awesome band and they love me and i really hope to hang out with them
-went to death cab/franz ferdinand last night, and it was amazing (minus the fact that they didn't play transatlanticism, although, i probably would have cried)
-i have at least six guys chasing after me right now, and i don't want anything from any of them
-i'm chasing after one guy who makes me believe he wants something to do with me, but doesn't actually follow through with plans
-i have like....5 (?) crushes right now. they're kind of fun.
-i'm going home this weekend, even though i didn't want to, but now i really really do
-we're having a party sunday night, and filling plastic easter eggs with jello shots, and hiding them around our apartment for an 'egg hunt'
-monday is marathon monday. i'm gonna be obliterated, so don't mind me if i call you, or something.
-i'm okay with the fact that i don't party all that much.
-i need to straighten things out, but i hate confrontation
-i push new people away when they start to get close, even though i don't really have many friends here
-i've been listening to my 'emo' music a lot lately
-me and jen might be selling merchandise at a concert on 4/20 = sweetest night ever
-i feel really lost lately. i'm happy, i just get confused about who i am, and what i stand for, and what impact i'm making on the world, if any. i feel like i'm in this twilight limbo period of my life.
-i do know, however, that i will never ever stop being so worrisome and emotional as i've always been. some things never change.
-i miss my friends like crazy. they make life worth living.
-SSOS
-i have no idea what i'm actually doing about my jobs this summer, i just hope it rules
-i miss him
-i am obsessed with the song "crooked teeth"
-no one here understands me
that is my life at this very moment. kinda disorganized and messy and strange. kinda exciting and fun and chaotic. overrated and misinterpreted.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, April 10th, 2006
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6:22 pm - "art is much less important than life, but what a poor life without it"
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with a new boy toy on the map, i've finally realized what my 'type' is. i'm not talking about what color eyes, or hair i prefer (although green eyes are my favorite, and i like spikey hair) but rather what type of personality i prefer.
artists.
i like boys that can create something out of nothing. i like boys with a vivid imagination. i like boys that can inspire me with their pictures, music, or words. i like boys that understand how beautiful and tragic and amusing life is. i like boys who think i'm beautiful, but weird. i like boys who have insecurities but never show them. i like boys who are willing to act like a kid again. i like boys who will pick me lilacs, and help me climb roofs, just to show me a new perspective. i like boys who will meet me any time of the night for an adventure, and challenge my strongest opinions. i like boys who take care of me when i'm sick, and ask for my opinion on their most important issues. i like boys who will dance with me on the sidewalks of NYC, and sing songs at the top of their lungs without a care about who might be listening. i like boys who can laugh at themselves, and teach me magic tricks just to feel like a kid again. i like them because they are emotional, though they do not directly express it. and i need that because i'm emotional, though i directly express it. i like them because they are sensitive, even though they don't want to come across that way.
there's a catch to artists though - they always see the flaws in their work. they strive for perfection, even though nothing can ever be perfect for them. as soon as they have finished something to the best of their ability, they have to move on. they need a fresh canvas; a new instrument. this, perhaps, is why it never works out for me. i need stability - consistency, in a sense - whereas they need the unknown. i am fearful when they are fearless. i am inspired while they inspire. i think long term, while they live for the moment.
yet i just can't seem to break the habit...
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 9th, 2006
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11:27 pm
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i just watched 'life as a house' with jen. it was a sad, but compelling movie. it reminds you (not that we should have to be reminded) that life is short, and you should show others that you love them as often as possible. this, coupled with my mood lately, has just made me so sentimental. i miss being in love so much. i remember a few times when i would be on the verge of sleep, and trak would come back into bed and whisper that i was beautiful and that he loved me, thinking i was asleep. after that, i always used to pretend i had fallen asleep when he left the room, hoping to catch hearing him say something to me again. i'm really good at pretending i'm asleep. i always used to pretend when i lived in my dad's old apartment. i slept in the living room on the futon, and so when him and kathy were awake, i would pretend to stay asleep and listen. usually they were just fighting, and usually it was about me. i wish that she knew i heard everything she used to say. i used to pretend i was asleep when my mom would check on me before she went to bed. she would always kiss me on the cheek or forehead and tell me 'goodnight princess'. i miss my family. no matter what is going on in my life, i can be around my family and feel whole and happy.
i just want to cuddle with someone i care about.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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2:25 am
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i give up on guys. it's just me and my girlfriends from here on out...
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| Sunday, December 4th, 2005
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4:21 pm - ...and i thought i had found someone good....
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FUCK guys.
what is so hard about being man enough to say, "i don't want to see you"?? why does every guy i encounter seem to think that ignoring is better?? ignoring does shit. it tells me that somethings wrong, or that maybe they didn't get my text cuz my phone fucks up sometimes, or maybe they don't want to see me but i can't be sure because they won't just come out and say it. i'm a big girl. i've been through plenty of shitty times in my life and i can handle someone telling me that i'm just not what they want anymore. honestly, it takes two seconds to answer me.
how is that hard?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 28th, 2005
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1:41 pm
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i am SO very happy to be back in boston again. that whole emotional breakdown for a few days kind of sucked, so i apologize for my previous entries. i'm finding slowly but surely that boston is becoming my new home. also, i've been looking more and more into where i want to study abroad, since i have to apply fairly soon, and it's extremely exciting! i'm thinking australia or new zealand; what a tough decision! haha
also!! (drumroll please...) i have a HUGE announcment, for whoever the hell still reads this:
GILMANIA BOSTON EDITION!!! most likely december 27-january 1
it's going to kick so much wintery ass, and everyone better be there
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| Thursday, November 24th, 2005
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10:55 pm - "i'm shaking at your touch, i like you way too much...."
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i have this relentless urge to cry. i don't know what happened, but it can't be good.
"....my baby, i'm afraid i'm falling for you"
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| Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
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1:43 am
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| Friday, November 18th, 2005
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11:50 pm - "welcome to this groove, you can move right"
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okay, today was ridiculous, for many reasons.
-at the newburyport, mass bus stop on the way home, a guy got off then realized he left something on the bus and started running after the bus. the driver stopped, but wouldn't let the man back on because it was "policy". the man then punched the bus, and a woman on the bus started yelling at the driver calling him an asshole. the driver then told her to complain to the owner, and she then turned around and yelled at everyone else on the bus saying "this policy isn't common sense, it's not fair that man couldn't get back on the bus to get his stuff, and i'm the only one sticking up for him, so thank me!". the man sitting in front of her then turned around and said "why don't you shut the hell up? i've had a hard day at work and didn't get on this bus to hear your bullshit, so shut up!" basically, it ruled.
-me and jen ate like men at haddock jacks. i've never seen two girls consume so much so quickly.
-then there was the 311 concert!!! even though i only knew one song they played, it was awesome!! at first i was nervous being on the floor thinking that crazy moshing would happen, and it did, but it was so fun because i got to elbow stupid boys and push them and be aggressive. it was worth getting kicked in the jaw, and smushed to death, and covered in other people's sweat (okay, ewwww, maybe not that)
-we then followed the concert with ice cream from coldstone creamery (most amazing ice cream ever)
in a nutshell, today was awesome. =)
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| Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
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12:44 pm - "you make me smile so wide"
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P.S. - i'm really really really really really really really happy, like this:
:-D
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| Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
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2:05 pm
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my mom sent me a self-help book in the mail.
this is my life.
i do appreciate it, i know she's just looking out for me, and that she loves me and wants to see me happier. i just feel a bit pathetic.
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